To be honest… most people would rather talk about almost anything else, such as seeing their gynecologist, religious leader, dentist, or even their ex before fessing up to seeing a therapist. Many of my patients report that seeking my assistance evokes feelings of embarrassment, shame, or weakness – and will even whisper when they begin talking to me, about seeing me – in my own office! My friends will pull me aside in my home and talk in hushed tones about their family members (who aren’t even there) as if needing therapy is a sign of their failure as humans, or a scarlet letter on their heart announcing to the world their defect of character.
In fact, I’ll wager if you’re reading this still, you’re likely formulating arguments why you personally don’t need therapy – but it might great for someone else…only IF they really need it. Despite the fact that many people see, saw, or will see a therapist at some point in their life, and the fact that therapy is now even in various online formats that approach ‘On Demand’ services, seeking mental health services remains a stigmatized experience in our culture.
But here’s the truth - we all require therapy - therapists included. None of us are completely rational or objective about our own lives and experiences. There are some things we just can’t see clearly with our own eyes. Even when we know better, when emotions run high, we can behave poorly or be easily confused about the course that is healthiest for us. Therefore, all of us can benefit, even if just a little, from some introspection and focus on self enhancement, or some guidance and help in deciding healthy boundaries and accountability.
So – here are my top reasons for why everyone should see an effective therapist:
1. Therapy is for Maintenance and Support – NOT Crisis Management
One of the main issues I have with how most people view therapy is they tend to view it the same way they view the fire alarm – “To Be Used In Case of Emergency.” They see it as crisis management, something reserved for only the darkest of moments. However, it could be helpful to realize, even if you are incredibly well-adjusted and healthy, there is always more you can learn about yourself and relationships. Think about it with a different context in mind like your physical health and the gym: Just because you are in good shape, doesn’t mean you stop going to the gym – or your doctor, does it? Of course not! Our exercise regimens aren’t fixed, but instead, they vary so we don’t hit plateaus. When we can test our muscles in new ways we can become stronger and more agile. Likewise, we don’t NOT visit our physical doctor when we are well. We attend our well-visits regularly, we discuss our concerns with them and our goals. So it is (or should be) with our mental, emotional and interpersonal world – we can be holding ourselves with a similar sensibility and accountability with our mental health and discussing these same types of goals and issues with our therapist for our overall well-being, not just crisis management.
2. Your Friends And Family May Not Be As Helpful As You May Think
While your friends and family care for you, and you care for them, leaning on friends and family can be a great tool when down times strike, when mental health issues arise, it may not be quite sufficient to rely on them for mental health advice. Consider the fact that your friends are not trained experts in mental health, communication, or relationships. When you have a physical ailment, you go to a doctor who has years of training and expertise in treating the physical body. You don’t place the responsibility for these recommendations on your family. The same rule applies for the mind. Your friends may be well intentioned and may have some good advice, but this isn’t their wheelhouse. You will likely be better served by someone who has dedicated their career, training and expertise to treating these sorts of complex issues.
Friends and family are not generally objective. This is also why doctors and providers, therapists included, draw boundaries around treating our own friends and family members. The advice and support of friends and family is naturally going to be biased by their relationship with you, and their own motivations and emotional needs. As mentioned, even though I’m a therapist, I’m not objective with my own friends in the way I am with my patients. My husband is a lawyer, and I’m a therapist – yet when we got married we made a very honest agreement with each other “Let’s agree not be each other’s lawyer or therapist!” Sometimes it’s been hard to stick to that boundary….However, the objective lens of the impartial third party allows us to see ourselves and our situations more accurately.
Lastly, consider that you can sometimes alienate people you love by relying on them too heavily if you ask them to handle emotional matters that are outside the scope of their capacity. It’s far too easy to place responsibility on others for things that don’t belong to them, or for us to take responsibility for things to aren’t ours to begin with especially within families and friendships, when we want to help. When you have a therapist to talk with about your emotional struggles you can maintain the capacity for a more ‘boundaried’ nature of the relationship with the important people in your life.
3. What You’re Doing, Just Isn’t Working
The self-help books aren’t helping, the new "meetups” aren’t making a difference , you’ve started practicing yoga but aren’t noticing it’s doing anything for you and your motivation is waning….Despite all of this you still feel like you are “running in place” and the same emotional issues or self-defeating patterns seem to return. Or maybe, you’re aware that the things you’re doing have simply been very unhealthy: overeating, excessive drinking, self-harming… and you’re tired of it. If you’re confused, and feel like nothing has worked it might be time to try something else, an impartial therapist might be helpful in offering information on the obstacles that are contributing to your struggles. A shift our cognitive approach and being open to being challenged in our perspectives and consider alternative outcomes – something called ‘mentalizing’ can be productive in creating change. By providing opportunities to appropriately express feelings, understand patterns of thinking and behavior, gain perspective on past events and current relationships, therapy might help people understand obstacles that have prevented them from attaining progress in the past and achieving healthier attachments in the present.
4. Some Discomfort Is Healthy For You
Another reason for engaging in effective therapy is that challenging yourself outside of your comfort zone is healthy for you, although uncomfortable. The idea of exploring and understanding your thoughts, fears, and wishes by sharing these with a therapist may sound daunting, but that is precisely the value in doing it. Therapy that is effective, is going to naturally feel uncomfortable. I tell my patients all the time, “Don’t pay me for something you and your friends can do for free.” Meaning, therapy should NOT feel like a warm blanket and a cup of coffee. Yes, it should feel safe. Yes, there should be a positive regard and compassion and connection between the therapist and patient. However, the effective therapist is there to challenge you and push you, not coddle you and enable your unhealthy behaviors that presumably brought you into therapy in the first place. If you aren’t feeling at least somewhat uncomfortable in therapy, odds are that’s a sign your therapist isn’t all that effective in challenging you enough. Research over the last decade demonstrates allowing vulnerability is the key to a more fulfilling and connected life. Brene’ Brown’s Ted talk on “The Power of Vulnerability” addresses this concept beautifully. Additionally, a recent article in Psychology Today addresses the long term value and emotional benefits of risk taking. So, if going to therapy sounds uncomfortable or risky, consider it could be something beneficial to your overall well-being. Taking the risks of exposing our unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, trusting another human to see what we believe to be our mistakes, fears and maladaptive coping skills is challenging. But each time we overcome one of our fears we are rewarded with feelings of increased competence and confidence. Another framework is to recognize that by avoiding therapy, you endorse the idea there is something ‘scary’ worth avoiding, and the avoidance grows stronger and more entrenched. Stepping outside your comfort zone, challenging the shame and silence that tells us to not share, becomes the first step in challenging the fear and avoidance, and strengthens healthy, adaptive coping skills instead.
5. Communication Is Hard, Really Hard
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am considered an expert in effective communication skills and strategies, yet as a human being I will still mess it up sometimes because effective communication is hard. It is both an art and a science, and as a result it’s really challenging. So, if nothing else, the setting of therapy can help you to improve your communication skills with any of the important people in your life … friends, family, significant others, bosses, employees, etc. A really significant and meaningful part of what therapy provides is the opportunity to assist patients in shifting problematic communication styles out of the passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive patterns to (mostly) assertive communication patterns. Effective therapists help patients learn how to express themselves in an assertive manner; meaning a reciprocal way that honors their own voice, desires and values, and does not alienate, disrespect or harm others.
If you are ready for challenging yourself, stepping into discomfort, taking a look at some of the obstacles getting in your way, give us a call and see how we can offer support to you.
If you know someone who is depressed or anxious, it affects you too. The most important thing you can do is help your friend or relative get information and treatment. Valenta offers free assessments to start the process toward recovery.
🏚️ Valenta Mental Health
9479 Haven Avenue
Rancho Cucamonga, California 91730
📞 Eating Disorders: 909-771-8023
📞 Depression/Anxiety: 909-719-7979
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🗺️ Serving Inland Empire · San Bernardino · Riverside and throughout the State of California