Do you encourage openness or withdrawal from your teen by the way you interact? Some well-intentioned parents say and do things that can often influence their teen to be closed off to them.
One of the ways to be a healthy support is to listen with empathy. Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar and clinical professor conducted a concept analysis (Wiseman, 1996) of empathy and determined that there are four attributed to empathy:
Seeing the world as others see it
Understanding another’s current feelings
Being non-judgmental
Communicating the understanding
When you are attempting to help your teen through listening with empathy, it is important to consider the following:
Do you have the time and resources to listen empathically?
Are you able to be fully present with your teen? Or is there something on which you have placed greater importance and urgency? You may not always be readily available to hear what your teen wants to say when he or she wants to say it. However, it would be important to communicate this. Consider: “I am sorry, but there are other things that I am attending to right now that are rather urgent and I want to give you the time and attention that your deserve. Let’s chat at (designated time).”
Are you listening to understand or are you listening to respond?
Listening to understand means that internally you are biased towards validating your teen’s experience. This does not mean that you have to agree with the rationality behind his or her feelings, but it does mean that you make strong efforts to understand why your teen feels the way her or she does. In many cases, when you listen primarily to respond, you are biased towards invalidation – a stance where you are wanting to explain why your teen ought not to feel his or her feelings or experience what he or she is experiencing. This can manifest through statements like: “Don’t worry about that,” and “You should be grateful for what you have.” While this may be well-intentioned, it often does not lead to a closer relationship and motivation for future disclosure.
Have you considered what is important to your teen?
Presently, you may place great importance (and rightly so) on your job performance, and on providing for others. What your colleagues think of you may be of little importance. However, to your teen, the judgments of his or her peers and understanding his or her identity may take a high priority. It is very important to consider the factors that greatly contribute to your teen’s mental and emotional state. Though you may disagree with the level of importance that your teen places on these factors, you ought to consider making a conscious effort to temporarily leave the lens through which you view the world to step into the world of your teen.
Wiseman, Theresa. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing. 23.1162-1167.10.10461j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x.
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